More than ever I have been convicted that this blog isn’t about me. It’s about what God has brought me through and how it is my desire to glorify His name.
Why was I convicted yesterday? And some of you might even be asking what convicted means. It means that I had this strong feeling from the Holy Spirit that lives in me, to do something different than what I have been doing.
Yesterday I went to the doctor. It’s something I’ve needed to do for a LONG time now, but I like to think that ignorance is bliss and so I just walked around in lala land until I could no longer pretend the pain away.
I have a whole list of symptoms: Swelling of my feet and hands. Unexplained weight gain Inablitity to heal from a simple cold Pressure on my chest And just a general overtired feeling
So I listed off all these symptoms for the doc, and she wanted to run a bunch of blood tests. As she was checking over my body she ran across a lump. A golfball sized lump on the side of my neck.
While normally this would not cause alarm in me, my uncle died at a young age from lumps in his neck. So of course my very active imagination goes straight to “I am dying, thank you Jesus, I am coming HOME!!!” (Did I mention I’ve been really sick and tired?)
I didn’t expect blood test results for a few days, and today I have spent a lot of time praying about my mysterious lump and what God would have me to do to glorify Him through this. I kept thinking about a dear friend of mine that went to be with the Lord unexpectedly this summer. How I wished she has told me (or anyone on her blog) that she was sick. In fact if you read her blog (and I suggest you do because it’s a good read) never do you even see a hint of a serious illness. She was just gone one day. And that made me so sad that I was never able to petition the Lord for her healing. So I want to be honest with my blog readers.
I am sick.
I don’t know what is wrong with me.
Many test results have come back negative, but a few have come back positive. I have an autoimmune disease. This we know for sure. But it is still to be determined which one it is. So as of right now I am just waiting for more test results, an ultrasound of the mass on my neck and on the Lord.
Tom was home when I got the call on some of the test results. He saw me google the few things they threw around as possibilities for why I have felt so bad. He saw me cry because none of them are treatable, just manageable. It all was seeming a little bleak. Then 5 minutes passed and the phone rang again.
I recognized the number, and it’s a number I’ve grown to loathe. I answered it anyway, and braced myself for whatever new round of bad news I was about to hear.
“I have good news for you.”
(Finding this a little hard to believe just because of where this call was coming from.)
“The State Supreme Court has upheld the decision to terminate parental rights on the birthfather of *Mr. Man*. Congratulations, we can now move towards adoption.”
In a barely audible voice, I say “Praise Jesus” and start to cry.
When life was getting dark and cloudy, God shone the Son in a way to show me that He still sees me. He is still the same God, the One who loves me beyond all measure and always keeps His promises.
While it might be all wrong with my body, it is well with my soul.